Finding Faith When Fear is Knocking (Suicide Podcast)

The surprise deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain in June, both by apparent suicide, put the national spotlight on suicide, one of the 10 leading causes of death in the United States. Suicide rates have been on the rise since 2006, according to data released by the CDC. Among women, the suicide rate increased by a staggering 50 percent between 2000 and 2016. Each year, more than 41,000 individuals die by suicide, leaving behind their friends and family members to navigate the tragedy of loss.

20% of these deaths are teenagers and young adults. It’s the second leading cause of death in 15-24 year-olds. USA Today reports the suicide rate actually doubled for kids 10- to 14-year-olds between 2007 and 2014, surpassing the death rate in that age group from car crashes, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Whether you’re at church or at school or in an office, some portion of the room you stand in has thoughts of suicide, either now or recently.

I want to take this time to step out of the shadows surrounding suicide and speak up to encourage those at risk by sharing my experience with this epidemic.

The following are excerpts from an interview with Kim Bakaev, host of the show “Nourish Podcast with Kim Bakaev.” You can find the audio recording on her website if you’d prefer to listen rather than read.

For much of my life, there’s been this wrestling match between fear and my faith. Some days I would wake up so full of faith and so sure of my mission in life. Other days, I cared too much about who was watching, what they may be thinking, and what the world was saying about me.

I was 30 when life was starting over for me. I was struggling through a series of hardships, including divorce and the end of a season in my executive career. I chose to move closer to my family during the transition in life and tried to stay busy with a part-time job at a coffee shop.

Most days I strived to keep my smile bending just right when people would ask about my long-term plans in life. I wanted so desperately to belong somewhere, but the shame was only digging me deeper into the grave. My mind would ruminate over the details, and I found myself sinking beneath the waves of pain and loneliness.

One night I found myself at the bottom of the basement stairs with a rope around my neck. My self-worth had reached rock bottom, and my flame of hope was nothing but smoke. I wanted to give up, give in, let fear have its way, but what seemed like my end was actually just the beginning.

The chair didn’t budge that night from under my feet. This attempt to successfully take my own life had failed. I fell to the floor in a pile of tears. I needed help, that’s all I could say. I called my family and asked them to bring me somewhere safe. I felt like there was a spiritual darkness that had consumed my mind and was taking control. It was the first time in my adult years I crawled into my parents’ arms. Mom tucked me under the sheets between her and Dad.

I knew I needed someone to talk to, to share this pain, to find a way out of the shame, so the following day my folks drove me to a hospital. I wish I could say the psychiatrists had some answers, but all they gave me was a diagnosis: major depressive disorder. The pharmacy supplied me with strong antidepressants and sleeping aids, then sent me home.

There was a small spirit whispering inside me; I knew I needed Jesus, and yet, I was so confused as to where to turn. I went back to work at the coffee shop, and while making up a white mocha for one of our regular customers, she asked how I had been doing. I knew she was a believer; I had seen her in the store with her bible several times before. I don’t know where the strength came from, but I blurted out the truth: I need help. She gave me her phone number and asked me to come into the church sometime; she was the spiritual formation director there. As soon as my shift was over, I was on the phone and soon standing face to face with her once again. The woman at the church offered me a room in her home to stay for a while with her family.

During those months living side by side with Holy Spirit-filled souls, my heart came alive again. What a privilege it was to be seated at that table, to be a part of a community of believers, a family who loved and laughed, who prayed and fasted and studied God’s Word together. I pressed into faith with all that I had and let go of all my expectations, all my fears, all my shame. From that moment on, my life with Jesus radically changed from the inside out.

A couple of years later, an opportunity opened its doors for me to spread awareness and share the sensitive nature of this highly stigmatized topic through public platforms. For the last five years, I’ve been working in a public relations and marketing role for a major mental health hospital in the state of Tennessee. In my spare time, I’m an advocate for a healthy lifestyle and helping others find perspective and the light that’s always been shining in the trials of life.

What was the reaction to those closest to you during this time?

Initially, it was a state of shock. You know, people never consider those who seem to have life altogether to be the ones who would give it all up like that. I had a close relationship with my mother, so she struggled with feelings of guilt afterward. I remember her apologizing quite a bit for not ‘being there’ or listening to my ‘cries for help’. That was tough to hear someone I love suffer and take the blame for something that was not right in me.

When I left the hospital, I found a counselor to help me walk through the following weeks and months, but my family made a more conscious effort to reach out often and ask questions. I had moved around so much that my relationships with friends were distant at best, so it actually took years for me to share that hard season with others. I think partially because I was still sorting out what happened myself.

Sometimes we assume it’s those who don’t believe in the saving grace of Jesus who would contemplate suicide. But it sounds like you were a Christian during this time; is that right?

Yes. I had been a believer since the age of 12 when I wholeheartedly accepted Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior. My family didn’t go to church, so that choice was a very vivid decision of my own. I went on to live a very bold faith through my teen and young adult years, organizing faith-based events, taking the stage to share my testimony of living life with the Lord, and leading mission trips around the country.

Suicidal thoughts can affect anyone regardless of age, gender, background, or religious affiliation. In 2013, Matthew Warren, son of Kay and Rick Warren, took his own life. Even Christians have enough down days that can lead to a depressing spiral of suicidal thoughts. At the time I was struggling, I remember praying for someone to see me. I was asking God to bring someone I could talk to. I needed a friend, a community, someone with empathy who cared to listen.

There’s this sense of shame we project on people when someone is struggling. When we’re high-performing individuals, pride might prevent us from sharing our struggle with others. That’s where the stigma gets the best of us.

How did your faith play a part in recovery?

When Jesus saves you from something that could have been the end, I believe you have a responsibility to live differently. Even though I felt alone and abandoned by God, I knew there was a reason I was standing on the other side of suicide.

After four months of fasting and praying with that family following my suicide attempt, I heard the Spirit tell me to move to Nashville. I didn’t know anyone there, and I didn’t have a job lined up. I just packed up my car and drove to Tennessee to wait for the Lord’s prompting. I got plugged into a church immediately, and in fact, I served in three of them. As a marketing professional, I drafted up plans for church plant launches and brainstormed creative ways to engage the congregation with sermons on Sundays.

I was living off of savings, so I couldn’t rent a place without a source of income. I also didn’t get callbacks on my job applications, so I continued to live out of my car for the next year, serving wherever I could in the community. I had a rack hanging in the backseat of my car for clothing and a cooler in the trunk for those rare occasions I needed something cold. I ate mostly black beans right out of a can. If I wanted to go all out, I’d chop up a tomato and green pepper to mix with my beans.

I remember someone in the Church told me I needed to go back home and live with my parents because God wouldn’t call someone to a place and not provide a job or house for them. I told her it definitely doesn’t look the way I would want it, but the Lord did give me a roof over my head and food to eat, so I think He’s done what He said He would do.

About a year later, the Lord provided me with a place to rent and then a job to pay for it. Notice the order that I said that. The Lord led me to rent a place that was willing to take cash and didn’t care about my source of income. That’s either favor or some bad business. Anyhow, they were impressed with my Dave Ramsey envelope system and gave me the place on trust. I knew if God opened the doors on a rental, then a way to pay for it was just around the corner. It was a week later that a mental health hospital called me and asked me to interview for a job. I was called later that week and offered the position as Director of Marketing and Communications.

After you watch the Lord speak and provide over and over like this, there’s this assurance behind everything you do. When your ear is tuned in, and you have little else to distract you, it’s easy to hear the Lord whisper back. It also looks very crazy most of the time.

You brought up the need for community earlier. What does that look like for people who are unfamiliar with that term?

Community in the church looks like small groups of people who meet regularly to offer hope, support, and encouragement for the journey through life. When we’re experiencing guilt, shame, anger, or even sorrow, a community is that collection of people who carry us when we don’t have the strength to stand through life’s storms. They expose the dark places that dim hope with the light of God’s Truth. Your community might also look like a family member or friend. Your community is more than a social media contact; it’s a constant presence in your life.  Bottom line, your community is that circle of people who care. It takes courage to confess you don’t have it altogether, and it takes courage to confront someone with hard questions about their mental state.

On a faith level, the Acts Church was like a band of brothers and sisters. They demonstrated a great quality of togetherness. They persisted in listening for needs and had relational intentionality, an intense feeling of responsibility for with each other. They couldn’t bear to have too much while others had too little. Worship happened when they came together. They had swift grace, looking for ways to help. Community has to have a relentless forgiving spirit founded on the love of Christ, like we see Barnabas shared with Paul after his conversion.

For me, when new neighbors moved into the other side of my duplex rental, I didn’t have to question the decision to give them a key to my place. I was so grateful for what the Lord had done in my life already, and I longed to live a lifestyle of community. You know, like ‘what’s mine is yours.’ So I opened my home for anyone to come and stay. I didn’t know half of them. I prayed a lot, which made stepping out in trust a little easier.

My neighbors and I dug up the dirt and planted a garden in our lawn. We took turns tending to the weeds and watering the produce. We’d divide everything up, share recipes, and even cut out coupons for each other each week.

I took prayer walks every morning in my neighborhood before work. There were some times I would stop and have a cup of coffee and warm baked bread. I would also visit the elderly on my block, listen to their stories, help them clean their house, and cook them meals. I even threw parties to celebrate important milestones for my neighbors. I got certified to be a court-appointed advocate for kids coming out of abusive or neglected homes in the community. I volunteered my sick hours to conduct investigations for these kids, show up in court and foster care meetings on their behalf in an attempt to change the course of their lives. That is community to me.

Online, I try to use social media platforms to write about my faith journey and encourage others who are wandering through life looking for a purpose.

What do you think stops us from living fully in community like the first Acts Church?

Convenience and comfort. I think it’s easier to tell people we’ll pray for them, but when helping requires sacrificing time or resources, there is this selfish side inside us that’s a little more hesitant to go there. Instead of standing in the gap or being diligent or even eager to serve others, we’re more apt to pretend we didn’t know about the plea.

Sometimes we treat our blessings as burdens. We are blessed with neighbors and community, not burdened by them. The same could be said about our spouses, kids, our families, and even our jobs. When we see our blessing as a burden, it’s easy to make excuses for why we can’t or don’t want to reach out and offer everything we have, like the ears to listen, shoulders to lean on, a warm meal to satisfy us, or even a home to find refuge in.

When we choose risk over our own comfort, that is community. When you live out of this place of thanksgiving and purpose, community is always the answer. Community is a purpose we’ve all been called to.

Is suicide exclusive to mental illness, or are there thoughts that cause people to turn to suicide? What does that struggle look like?

There really is no single cause of suicide. Suicide is linked to, but not limited to, mental disorders, particularly depression. One of the highest risks is social isolation. Being alone and depressed is a lethal combination. Other risk factors for suicide include chronic physical illnesses, family history of suicide, history of exposure to trauma or abuse, recent losses or life stressors, military service, hopelessness and impulsivity, misuse of alcohol and drugs, and access to lethal means such as firearms.

Thoughts of suicide stem from the struggle with hopeless feelings, and that’s not exclusive to mental illness. An experience with hopelessness can hit anyone who feels like they don’t belong in a crowd.

There’s scientific evidence for reducing suicide risk by making sure we connect. We all have this desire to connect with others and be in a relationship with people who have a genuine concern for the condition of our heart. We want to help each other. We don’t want to feel like a burden, but rather like we’re making the world a better place to live. I think that universally resonates with all of us as human beings who were created to love and be loved.

So what can we do to make a difference in the sobering statistics of suicide?

We don’t always know who is struggling, but we can all benefit from honest conversations about mental health conditions and suicide because just one conversation can change a life. There is power in the connection of two people having real conversations with people in everyday moments – whether it’s with those closest to us, or the grocery store clerk.

It’s also about coming together with collective passion and strength around this difficult topic, whether you’re a teacher, a physician, a mother, a neighbor, a veteran, an attempt survivor, or have suffered the loss of a loved one to suicide. When you’re not in a place of pain, you can see a little bit more easily and help people walk towards hope.

For me, I went from a worry-free zest for adventure and life to spiraling out of control in a mix of emotions. Under the surface, I had attached great meaning to marriage and work. It was easy for a high-performing professional like me to equate loss with failure. My brokenness started to become a burden when I felt stuck in self-loathing and despair. There was a contrast in what I was sharing and how I was feeling because I was convinced no one cared. I was confused, hurt, conflicted, and wasting away on the inside.

Has working for a mental health hospital changed the way you look at suicide?

If anything, it’s offered me an environment where sharing struggles and talking about thoughts is commonplace. I’m surrounded by therapists, counselors, and psychologists who aren’t afraid of this highly stigmatized topic. In fact, their office doors are open to the topic. I think there needs to be a change in the way we talk about suicide. We hear about the problems and preventative measures for suicide, but little of that conversation includes the proactive approach.

I think we can all relate to what it feels like to be stuck in a wrestling match in our minds. In fact, we probably remember a time we didn’t feel loved or felt left out. What we need most during those moments is a connection. We need a relationship with someone who cares. We need meaning when life feels mundane. We need to feel like we have a purpose in life when the pain strips us of self-worth. We don’t need more conversations about the problem. In these moments, our conversations need to strategically shift focus to the solutions in a crisis.

The remedy starts with how we think. People consider suicide when they are in horrific pain, and they see no hope of that pain ending. Our emotions extend deeper than any external connection we have with life.

Preventing suicide begins in the presence of God’s saving grace. A life worth living even in the midst of pain. Offer opportunities for others to experience hope.

What can we do today? How can we help someone who may be considering suicide?

• Look and listen for the warning signs of someone considering suicide. It’s generally not an overnight decision but rather a conclusion that is drawn slowly over time. You might notice significant changes in someone’s life and/or a shift in his/her behavior. Other red flags include withdrawal from family, friends, work, and social activities; a change in activity level; increased anxiety, which can be restlessness or agitation; and a lack of sleep.
• Ask. Do not be afraid to ask!
• Take their thoughts and words seriously. It’s important to seek professional help or medical attention if they have shared their plan with you or have access to firearms, the number one cause of suicide (50 percent).
• Be there: Listen without judgment and offer empathy. Let them know they have a shoulder to lean on when they need it. Check in continually with something as simple as, “Hi, how are you doing? I’m around if you need someone to talk to.” Reassure them that they are important to you and you value that they are here. Let them know they are not alone, and you’re here to listen. This reassurance that people care means a lot to someone who is emotionally drained from depressing thoughts.
• Encourage them to seek out a mental health professional for additional help. Counseling is necessary for all of us. Help them make that connection with a support system that can help sort out these feelings.
• Parents should talk to their kids about mental health to remove the social stigma that surrounds the struggle with depression, anxiety, therapy, and suicide.
• As people of faith, it’s important to help people see the light not at the end of the tunnel but right here in the midst of the trial. The Lord is here with us through the hands and feet of the Church. He cares, and He loves us.
• Lastly, all of us need to share our story and spread awareness, help others, so we can potentially save lives.
• If you are questioning suicide, call someone, anyone: A friend, neighbor, family member, pastor, hospital, doctor, mental health specialist, the police department, or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You can also reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741-741.

What if someone listening today is struggling or has struggled with suicide? What are some things they can do?

• First, call someone immediately and let them know you’re alright, but that you’ve had these thoughts. You can share with them that you were listening to this program and it urged you to protect your own mental health by being honest with someone.
• We need tight-knit social groups in our lives. We are all better with community. Unfortunately, the never-ending screen time and disappearing work-life balance prevent many of us from connecting. So we have to be intentional about where we spend our time. I set coffee and dinner dates with my community of friends every week. I knew I needed their fellowship to keep my mind in a healthy place. This was my safety net. These were my eyes and ears who were willing to move past the stigma of speaking about depression and be bold enough to ask the tough questions in love.
• Mental health encompasses not just depression and anxiety, but also wellness and joy and meaning and connection in life. There are things you can do every day to not just stay afloat but thrive as a happier, more joyful person, like having real conversations. A great job and busy social life don’t say much about what’s brewing beneath the surface. Real conversations move beyond the superficial of “I’m good,” or “I’m just busy,” to talking about hopes, dreams, and challenges. Real connections don’t gloss over the emotions or difficulties that everyone encounters. Likewise, if someone you know answers superficially, you need to feel comfortable asking more questions. There’s lasting fulfillment when we connect with people on that deeper level. When there’s freedom to go deeper, we create a foundation of trust and friendship that’s stable enough to handle the more serious times.
• For those struggling, it’s important to point out that we don’t have to wait until we’re dead for the despair we’re experiencing to lift. There’s this delight we discover in the Lord that does not waver with the winds of change. Our emotions and thinking don’t have to be dependent upon our circumstances but can stay sure in the Lord no matter what happens. Life does get better when we learn not to be swayed by the situations that come our way and to remain steady and sure in God’s Truth about us. He will provide a way. He has the hairs on our head numbered. He knows our name. He has a hedge of protection around us. We are His, and He is still on the throne ruling over this life.
• Get in a position of peace. There’s this posture of peace I’ve discovered whenever I feel the world is spinning out of control around me. Sometimes my schedule is overwhelming, or my relationships empty my emotional reserve. We all need this place to ground us in what we know to be true. I stay still on my knees with my forehead to the ground, eyes closed, and I just pray until the storm of other thoughts in my head subsides. Sometimes I repeat scriptures; other times I just stay quiet and meditate on God’s holiness until the Holy Spirit does His work in me that lays everything to rest.
• Learn how to encourage your own spirit in the Lord. Write verses out that remind you of your identity as God’s child and post these in places you see daily. I even make them my password on my phone and computers. We have to keep God’s Truths closer to our hearts than the enemy’s taunts.
• Identify the activities that bring you joy and do more of them. For me, that was hiking, dancing, exercising, reading, writing, and holding conversations over a cup of coffee. I also found journaling about my thoughts and sharing those with a counselor was a powerful way to release those feelings while also having them addressed.
• Take care of yourself physically to see better results mentally. When I don’t have the willpower to get to the gym, I strap on my sneakers and simply go for a walk. Moving our body is medically proven to help more consistently keep moods at bay. Research shows that regular exercise can also promote nerve cell growth in the part of your brain that helps regulate moods. The key is to pick an activity that you won’t dread doing every day. I chose dancing so I could connect with friends over music and movement. I also changed my diet. I read reports linking foods that cause inflammation to depression and suicide. It made sense to me, so no more preservatives, lactose, and very little added sugar. I started eating mostly fruits, vegetables, healthy fats, lean protein, and gluten-free grains. I increased foods like tomatoes, olive oil, leafy greens, nuts, salmon, and strawberries.
• Lastly, be proactive with your family about conversations regarding mental health. Depression does have a genetic component. We shouldn’t hide from distress, but be more aware.