Thought that I was all alone, Broken and afraid, But You were there with me, Yes, You were there with me. And I didn’t even know, That I had lost my way, But You were there with me, Yes, You were there with me. ‘Til You opened up my eyes, I never knew, That I couldn’t ever make it, Without You. Even though the journey’s long, And I know the road is hard, Well, the One who’s gone before me, He will help me carry on, After all that I’ve been through, Now I realize the truth, That I must go through the valley, To stand upon the mountain of God. As I travel on the road, That You have lead me down, You are here with me, Yes, You are here with me, I have need for nothing more , Oh, now that I have found, That You are here with me, Yes, You are here with me. I confess from time to time, I lose my way, But You are always there, To bring me back again. Sometimes I think of where it is I’ve come from, And the things I’ve left behind, But of all I’ve had, what I possessed, Nothing can quite compare, With what’s in front of me, With what’s in front of me. – Third Day

“You are the one. You always have been. The truth is I feel like I’ve had to stop myself from doing this from the second I first saw you. The first time I held this hand, I felt like I had held it a million times before, like somehow it’s always been here. Life is messy. It just is. And I know that’s hard for you. But that’s why you have me, to balance things out. But you have to realize, you do that for me too, every day. Loving you and being loved by you makes everything better. I love you with everything I am and everything I ever hope to be. So, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?” Fantastically simple and sweet! I love it.

God told us He would grant spiritual gifts. They can not be earned or merited, they are bestowed by God and are actual manifestations of the Spirit and have nothing to do with a person’s ‘giftedness’. This is different from the anointing He grants to us all. 1 Corinthians, Romans, Ephesians and 1 Peter all speak to the natural and miraculous spiritual gifts the Holy Spirit empowers us with. But the caveat to spiritual gifts is that they do not benefit us, they are only instilled to benefit others. While Paul did not list all the spiritual gifts, those he did share can be categorized as “gifts of knowledge” (word of wisdom, word of knowledge, distinguishing between spirits), “gifts of speech” (tongues, interpretation, prophecy), and “gifts of power” (faith, healing, miracles).

Since the age of 13, I have recognized the spiritual gift of knowledge/wisdom placed in me. Without any trial of my own, my heart and mind can distinguish spirits rapidly. My soul feels a sickness when the eyes of evil are near and there’s a tenderness present when God’s hand is upon a life. Its a ‘knowing’ that I can’t explain but can detect so clearly. I have used this to decipher those God is ‘calling me to’ and those ‘to stay clear of’. I cannot claim the spiritual gift of knowledge, but there have been instances that knowledge has been delivered to me… where I know of things to come in the lives of others or things past that I would otherwise have no way of knowing. I also cannot claim the word of wisdom, but I can say that many elders have spoken of a wisdom in my words that raises eyebrows.

The challenge to be given a gift like this from God is how to use it in reverence to those who may not understand or don’t care to understand. I can honestly say not many Christians even understand the complexity of spiritual gifts. While some gifts can be praised, others are chastised. I’m not sure if it’s an unbelief that the gift exists in such a person or if it’s just a lack of belief in the bible in general. I have been shunned, sneared at, put down and looked at as a liar for the knowledge I have been given. I wonder if our ‘selfish’ nature makes for an unbelieving society… that because we know our own selfishness and evil desires, we choose not to believe in a spiritual gift to protect ourselves from a possibility. So are we saving ourselves from a possibility of evil or the possibility of experiencing God?

Closing out the old year, bringing in a new, one thing I have learned over the last 365 days is that it’s okay to wail in grief, scream for joy or completely abandon the good things of this world for God’s best we have yet see. Gearing up for what God has in store, I ask that I may be still loving, though discouraged, still giving, though spent, still patient though exasperated, still sensitive, though offended, still hopeful, though worn down by life.

Just three months ago, my church launched a 90-day tithing challenge. It was a call to trust in God that He would provide for us beyond our imagination. As I sat in the audience, I thought ‘well what more could He do for me that He’s not already doing… I tithe, I trust, that’s not a challenge’. But the spirit spoke to me ‘just because you already tithe and trust, doesn’t mean you can’t ask for more. Perhaps the problem is not so much that you don’t believe, but that you are trusting Him with all the small stuff.’.

I pulled out the bulletin insert and wrote ‘I’m taking the 90-day tithing challenge’. I wrote out a check for ‘ten percent’ and tossed it in the tithe bucket with my declaration. As it turns out, my sister couldn’t afford rent or her cell phone bill this month. So upon returning home, I wrote another check in the amount of her bills. As the next few Sundays flew by, people from the church climbed the stage to share their testimony of how God was providing in miraculous ways for their families since taking ‘the challenge. But 30 days in, I was beginning to feel the weight of my committment as my sister couldn’t afford another month’s worth of rent or the phone bill. I wrote out my challenge check and spotted her the cash with my parttime wages with trust that God was going to make everything alright.

60 days in, more extraordinary testimonies were being delivered at church, still not one had come to pass for me. I did begin to feel a heavy burden though, for the particular situation I was living in. It was a few months worth of harbored hurts that all began to stack up in my heart until I reached for a pen and wrote a letter to my landlord as notice of my departure. I had no place to go or any money to fall on, but I heard Him say this was the right thing to do.

As it turns out, my sister couldn’t afford rent or her phone bill for the third month in a row. So very shakily, I wrote the check for the challenge and cleaned out the rest of my savings to keep a roof over our heads. It was now mid-month, I still had no place to go. I remember sitting in front of the fireplace with my spiritual mentor talking about some of the deeper convictions I had been facing when she stopped me ‘you know Trisha, God is just placing it on my heart to tell you that my husband and I have a spare bedroom in our home if you’d want to stay with us. Pray about it and let me know what you decide’. Well it didn’t take too much prayer to know immediately this was what I had been waiting for! One last thing, what about my house full of ‘stuff’? Well, it turns out the church had a single car garage completely empty and offered it up as a place to store everything free of charge. In one week, everything I owned was packed up and stored away and I had a new address. As I went to the pastor to share my 90-day tithe testimony, he said ‘do you realize today wraps up the last day of the challenge’? My desperation knew I was close, but my faith didn’t care. I tested Him and He came through just like He says He will.

One last thing to note… one of my biggest struggles is patience 😉 God knew exactly what He was doing when He made me wait. It was all in His timing and in the end, with the enemy of time, logic and fear staring me in the face, I learned to trust Him, lean on Him and demonstrate a radical hope and faith in His promise.

I hear the Spirit of God speak through some very poinent, bold statements made by Francis Chan. It just sticks. Here are a few…
“But God doesn’t call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn’t come through.

“Our greatest fear should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don’t really matter.

“It is true that God may have called you to be exactly where you are. But, it is absolutely vital to grasp that he didn’t call you there so you could settle in and live your life in comfort and superficial peace.

“Lukewarm living and claiming Christ’s name simultaneously is utterly disgusting to God.

To wake up one day and find oneself alone in hell is the most disturbing, heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, soul shattering feeling I’ve ever claimed to know. My body physically trembled in fear, my mind refused to grant rest, I grew weakened with every waking moment until every muscle, every emotion, every limb in my body limped to that rope and collapsed, not even able to hold on for a last moment. And as I fell… in His loving mercy, Jesus stretched out his arms to catch the beauty He created. I cried out in humility, His embrace carried me to help that night. A dim light was cast upon the narrow path I needed to walk. I saw an angel at the entrance with his hand held out. I took a step forward and grasped tightly as understanding and strength trickled into my bones. Further down the path, I saw another angel with an outstretched arm. I reached for it. My mind began to swirl, I could not see and everything went cold. I awoke, soaked in sweat, alone, laying in the depths of darkness. Where was I? How did this happen? My mind was too naive of the enemy’s disguise. No! No! No! I don’t want to be here. The taunts began again. They called out from the grave I buried. They refused to let rest come upon my soul as I quivered in pride that I could be here, yet again. The hatred was intensified this time. A depression suppressed even the slight weakness left in me. My mind gave up. My heart was artificially alive on bed rest, my body just a decaying flesh. My soul slowly immersed in a pool of voices that created a heaviness which weighed down my spirit, paralyzing every part left of me… as fear of drowning set in. Submerged in evil, there was a last gasp of breath left before the end… my quivering lips made a desperate howl for help; an authentic heaving heard around the globe. My lungs deflated in grief as the sorrow to weep was bereft of life. The body had finally broken, the scraps washed away. The air went silent.

pas·sion [pash–uhn]
Definition: any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate; strong amorous feeling or desire.
I have a few passions in life; a passion for people, a passion for public speaking, a passion for motion pictures, a passion for causes and places… but one passion of mine stands on its own; it outweighs the sum of all others- my faith in God and the sacrifice He made through His son Jesus (it’s important for me to spell that out and not shy around the bold verbage). Since the day I accepted Christ as my savior, I’ve carried a reverent fear of the Lord in my heart. Shortcuts, shortcomings, even leeways in character bother my core. Not because I’m afraid of the consequence (although I should be)- I’m hurt that my soul would display such humiliating acts unto a God that loved(s) me so much. A God who made such majestic creations, wonders of the cosmos and me… and called it all good. My heart races from an eagerness, excitement, fervor and zest to agony, suffering, and misery to vehemence, rage, rapture and fired up. I am utterly in awe of God’s amazing works and abandon my heart to the Lord.

It’s been six months since I first embarked on the wonderful world of being a barista. It’s become my ‘business before hours’. While others stay up all night sharing the city’s gossip over a little bubbly, I network over a sunrise and a piping hot roast. I never expected to stay longer than six months, but here I am enjoying every cup I serve. There’s such a dynamic in the type of people I serve; it’s become the perfect place to people watch. Even the ‘partners’ I work with would make for an instant hit remake of ‘the breakfast club’. From daybreak, this little coffee shop will consistently have cars lined up for miles, yet its where I go to to escape the hustle and bustle in life.

There are three distinct lessons I have learned as the girl in the green apron. One-how to make the sale nine out of ten times. Within seconds I can guess what you’re drinking, eating, where you work, how your day is gonna go and what I can sell that you WILL buy. Second-how to dumb down, sophisticate and strike up a conversation with anyone, no matter how shy he/she is. And lastly-how to have a good attitude and patience with customers who can’t make a decision and supervisors who aren’t skilled for leadership. It’s the green apron that keeps me humble when I feel I’m above the rest.