Shortly after I asked for prayer… I felt the suppression lifted. It was enough to allow me to make the next step. I reached out to the spiritual formation director from a nearby church- she comes into the coffee shop every day, where I work… so I had already started to form a relationship with her. I asked if I could come in and share with her about some things going on in my heart in search of an accountability partner. God was at work and she offered meeting with me an hour every other week to be that accountablility and help me become even more connected with other Christians. My spirit was also freed enough to reach out to another spiritual formation director, whom I had previously worked and met with regularly for accountability and prayer. I meet with her over skype every other week. This way it gives me accountability each week without taking up too much time a single person’s schedule. And I have to tell you, changes have already come. Many great things have begun to happen… and of course some sadness here and there, but I’ve been able to see through a new lense in such a positive light… a Godly sorrow. I feel so blessed to have the prayer support of such Godly friendships. To be able to call upon them during a time of need and feel the healing power of God has just been remarkable. Earlier this week I picked up A W Tozer’s “The Knowledge of the Holy” and have been having some deep internal evaluation with this reading. God’s light is shining thru the darkness and revealing a much clearer picture to me. Just as I noted earlier that changes are happening, I am preparing to move. At this point I’m not sure where God is sending me, but I know and have the strength to move out of the situation that has currently been a culprit to the suppression I believe. My new spiritual mentor has offered up a room for me to stay until I receive God’s vision for the next step. So please continue praying as I make this transition; a transition that has no answers for the future, all I hear is Him saying March, but its just enough information to get me one more step forward.

Last night was the memorial service for my friend. I wasn’t particularly close with her, but was more of a casual acquaintance that went beyond hello, goodbye and how are you. While sitting in the pew during the service, my eye caught the heads of several friends who had flown in to pay their respects and I got to thinking… people will fly thousands of miles for probably thousands of dollars in a moments notice to share in the celebration of a life that has already passed. Many in that room probably reorganized their day to make sure they were there to celebrate this life that is now gone. Why do we all wait until someone has passed… to drop our schedules and celebrate a life? What happened to celebrating a life with this same sort of commitment while the person is still alive? Like birthdays. That is the day you celebrate a life and yet many times we settle for a quick ‘happy birthday’ text or ‘facebook’ message.

I think about a couple weeks ago the news was announcing a celebrity’s passing… Cory Haim. I didn’t really follow him, but I’ve seen a movie or two he starred in. He took his own life and after his death several people started to speak out about what a great guy Cory Haim was and how tragic the loss of his life is to many. And someone made the comment, if Cory could have heard all these comments when he was alive, maybe that would have saved him.– It’s true. Where were all these friends of Cory when he needed them? And why weren’t they embracing their friendship with by speaking these very words while he was alive? If he could have heard… maybe…

So I think back to my friend and I recall a blog she once wrote stating she didn’t think there was anything special about her. And yet, after her passing, people are coming out of the woodwork to share their adoration of her kind words, smile and heart. Did these people tell her these things when she was alive? Perhaps she wouldn’t have thought there was nothing special about her because from the sounds of her memorial, she was one of the most gifted women who walked this planet.

All this makes me say to myself… so what I have a learned? I’ve learned you can’t wait until people die to tell them how you really feel. — And of all people, I would have thought I had this down… but not as much as I’d like. While people are still living, we should be celebrating life! Why wait until they have died to celebrate what has passed? And when I say celebrate, I mean, more than a ‘happy birthday’… how about a ‘you are so incredible to me. the way you intently listen to my struggles and offer wise advice. I look up to you and really look forward to our conversations. I really admire how you juggle a family, work and still have time for me. I thank god for creating the beautiful person you are today. God has blessed me with you and I hope he continues to bless others with your life.’ Can you imagine how special… how elated… how full of life this would make someone feel? I typed that with a specific person in mind but I can think of several things I could say to each of my friends that rank right up there with those words.

Eight or nine years ago, I started keeping a calendar of all my friend’s birthdays. Each new person I meet, I get their birthday so I can put it in my calendar. Most aren’t aware but it’s so I can pray for each person on his/her birthday. I don’t think of every one of my friends once a day or once a week or even once a month. There’s so many people and too much going in my day to day routines. But I figure if I can think of this person and intently pray for him/her at least once a year, I feel like a better friend. As you can imagine, over eight years those names have taken up almost everyday of my calendar year– I have a lot of friends! So now, I’m going to take this one step further… not just a ‘happy birthday’ shout out and a secret prayer for my friends… I’m going to really let them know on that day how they make me feel and why I find this person to be so special.

Today is a sad day, then again, yesterday was even moreso. A dear friend of mine passed unexpectedly from complications in an early delivery. Although four weeks early, her son came out six pounds, four ounces; a testiment that God’s hand was at work in the womb preparing that baby for the arrival. All things considered, her baby should have come out on the projected delivery date weighing in around seven pounds. So for the baby to be at that healthy weight four weeks prior, was all God I believe. But this isn’t a sadness about the baby of course, that was a joy. The sadness is that my dear friend passed hours later from bleeding in her brain. We work out at a gym together. She’s been mentioning lately that’s she’s been more tired than usual and not feeling well. But then who wouldn’t after eight months of carrying extra weight around, I’m sure that can be quite taxing on energy levels. Yesterday morning though, she woke up not feeling well and thought maybe she was experiencing some contractions. At just over 30 years old, this was her and her husband’s fourth child. Something about it was different and my friend started to feel back pain. The ambulance came and two minutes after arriving at the hospital the doctors had her baby delivered, c-section. Later in the afternoon, my friend was dizzy and suffering from a bad headache. After a shower and a nap, she was feeling worse. So much so, she couldn’t even hold herself up. She passed out. The doctors never got to her scheduled surgery last night, she had died. While I was sitting in the waiting room, I couldn’t help but notice my friend’s husband twirling her wedding ring around his finger. ‘It’s just not supposed to be, he’s not supposed to get that back’. There were not many of us there. Many heard her delivery was a success. I guess that word ‘success’ signifies the end of a story for some. This story didn’t end that way though. After hours listening to her husband wail in the waiting room, thinking of how the children (5-year twins and a 3-year old) would take the news the following morning… today. I am sad for this family who lost a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend.

I decided I needed to spring into action and help, instead of leaving this family to figure it out. I formed a list of people to cook meals for the husband and kids and turned it over to my church to get a schedule of meals going. I got up early today before work and put together ideas on how I could help raise money. The family didn’t have life insurance and my friend was a stay-at-home mom. The husband is a spiritual formation pastor for a missionary organization. I immediately went to my gym where my friend and I had worked out the day before and told them the news. The other women were just as devastated. My friend was a woman who deeply cared for people and helped counsel many of these ladies through tragedies themselves. I’ve cleaned up some photos in photoshop of my friend and have them on a poster in the gym to help raise money for the family. I’ve shared her story with others who have pledged dollars to help the family. It’s day one and I have six hundred dollars by five o’clock. This is just the beginning though. Tonight, I will be at a prayer service for the family. I’m directing the gym members to call my church and sign up to help with food and money; at noon when I checked with the church office there was an outpouring of support from ladies at my gym. I hope to plan fundraiser in May as the kids get out of school. A sort of family fun day at a miniature golf park. I don’t know if all this will add up to much, but I feel like it’s better than sitting at home wishing I could do something.

A life can be measured by the risks you take. Do you take enough of them? Is there proof in your life that you’re living? Have you risked anything lately? Start living today!

This summer I spent a couple weeks home with my family and friends, reliving the cherished memories of what it is to be joyful. It was more than I expected and at the end of the trip, it was the first time I felt… heartbroken. I’m usually eager to hit the sky after bouts of family drama, but this trip was different. We actually worked together as a team and helped each other achieve goals. And I found the time to dedicate to my friends. It was renewing. Two layovers and 9 hours later, I was repulsed by the suffocating heat that greeted me. What a disappointment.

Almost a month later, I’m still reminicing on those two weeks like a summer romance. It was rejuvenating to feel so alive, so available. At a whims notice, I was making memories that will probably carry a lifetime. Now, I’m just trying to squeeze the last drops of joy out so I can make it through my day. I’ve fallen prey to all the old addictions that used to help me through my moods; retail therapy, project overload, movie marathons and long phone calls. It’s gotten me this far, but I’m not sure how much longer my budget or family and friends can handle it.

Today didn’t make things much easier. We had to lay off more than a dozen people at work. My boss asked me this morning to handle the prayer before he announced cutbacks. I’m usually the designated ‘pray-er’ at work, but this time when he asked, I was speechless. What do you say to a bunch of people who are about to lose their jobs or to those watching their friends be let go? One thing I didn’t want to do was pray with a decrypted message. I mean, here I would be in a room knowing that half of them would be let go as soon as I said Amen. It could have been very likely my heart would step on the higher-ups toes in the process of prayer and I’d inadvertantly blurt out ‘half this room is going to be let go’. So I thought about it awhile, prayed about it even more and decided to write down my words carefully. Here’s where that all landed me.

Heavenly Father,
We come before you this afternoon, thanking you for giving us this day to serve you and our community.

We thank you that no matter what happens, you are our ultimate source of comfort and our provider and where one door closes, you open another.

We ask for a perfect peace and a sense of understanding in our lives. May your blessings be upon us and our families today and always.

It’s in your name we pray, Amen.

I’m not sure if that softened any hearts before the blow, but I sure hope it was some kind of assurance for the room. It’s all I had.

Many times when we’re in a miserable moment, human nature is to drag others into the midst of it. Maybe it’s to give us comfort– to know we’re not alone… an outlet to vent… perhaps even open up an avenue for advice. Well, I’ve been kind of feeling miserable lately… for almost two years. And I just can’t seem to shake the agony. What’s going on Lord? Why all the heartache? I feel like I’m on a road of uncertainty. I spend countless hours alone wondering what’s next. I know in my head that in the midst of our darkest of times, God is doing His most work. I find myself crying out to the Lord often and searching for rescue in personal pleasures to help ease the pain. I have lost the desire to feel, I have lost the vision to hope… I just want out of the confines of despair. I’m struggling to find evidence of God in my life when things are stuck in this rut. I feel like I’m fading in and out on life support just to get through another day until Jesus comes back.