I’m in the midst of losing a friend and I feel… confused… and really sad. Not to death, not to distance, I’m losing him to choice. Can people even do this… make decisions to sever friendships on good terms? Why would someone want to do this? A mix of feelings flood my mind… I’m repulsed, offended, terrified, angry… sad. I want to say ‘no, don’t go… I’ll go’, but wait, that doesn’t make sense, I’d still be losing my friend. There is nothing I can say… nothing I can do that will hold onto this relationship. Why do I even care this much? I have plenty of other friends. Really nice ones too. But when I think about it… sometimes there are certain people who are simply– irreplaceable. No imitation or substitute can compare. Why though? What makes them “irreplaceable”? Well, this friend in particular, when I think of him, I see someone who’s funny– but not just funny, he’s really funny– my kind of funny, and smart– but not just smart, he’s really smart– my kind of smart, and wise– but not just wise, he’s … Alright, I see the pattern, certain people are just really good at the ways they are known for and I guess that makes them irreplaceable. They have become masters of their own traits. And when you find someone like that, you would fight the world over to keep them close. These people are a treasure… worth a king’s ransom. Most people go their whole lives without finding this type of friend, but me, I found him… and now, I’m losing him. It’s like trying to hold the grains of sand as they slip between my fingertips. “Change is the process by which the future invades our lives.” ~Alvin Toffler

I just returned from a wonderful trip home to spend with my family. There was a high school graduation and a bridal shower. I had so much fun planning the festivities, designing and decorating the events and enjoying the company of loved ones. And although I ended up sick, due to being overworked, I really wouldn’t have had it any other way. I’m the big sister. I’ve got a title to live up to and a ‘right of passage’ to exercise. I’ve always treasured my sisters, their relationship with each other and the growth inside themselves individually. It’s been such an awesome journey to watch them grow up and be a part of their hearts. And from what I hear, it only gets better as they grow older. I’ve been told the relationships really start to depend on each other as people reach the same stages in life. I’m really looking forward to that.

Have you ever had a burning desire that just seems to overwhelm your every thought? I’ve been in the midst of that very thing for quite some time now. Sometimes the unmet longing feels like the worst thing that could happen; it makes my entire life seem disappointing and incomplete. I’ve had the urge to pursue this dream myself, in complete disregard of the timing of God’s will, but I know I’ll only end up truly disappointed, even if I were to get what I think I want. “There are two ways to get enough: One is to accumulate more and more; the other is to desire less.” While I can constantly amass additional things, relationships, and successes, there is always room for wanting even more. The cycle is endless. But if I could only learn to desire less, the likelihood of living a fulfilling life would increase. So I guess the question becomes how do I crave less? Scripture says by going back to the one desire present in every human heart: to know God. Deep down, this innate longing I have is actually a desire for more of the Lord. I feel dissatisfed with life now because I don’t have enough of Him. Even in times where it seems I have attained everything in the material world that I’ve ever wanted–there are still periods of yearning, sadness, and emptiness. The origin of such discontent and disappointment is a raging hunger for what I can’t see and do not fully know—God. The difficult part is that I can never fully know and understand God; there will always be more to uncover about Him. But He promises to reveal more about His ways the more I fellowship with Him. Amazingly, His word reminds me that as I begin to pursue that desire for God, He’ll fulfill the other desires He’s given me.

There is a sad and dangerous little game we play when we get to be a certain age. It is a form of solitaire. We look back through old photographs of people we knew best and recall the days, all those years ago. We think about all the exciting, crazy, wonderfully characteristic things they used to be interested in and about the kind of dreams we had for them. Then we think about what those people are actually doing with their lives, what we are doing with them now five or ten years later. I make no claim that the game is always sad or that when it seems to be sad our judgment is always right, but once or twice when I have played it myself, sadness has been a large part of what I have felt. Because in my photographs, there were people who had a real flair, a real talent, for something. Maybe it was for writing or singing or sports. Maybe it was an interest and a joy in working with people toward some common goal, a sense of responsibility for people who in some way had less or were less. Sometimes it was just their capacity for being so alive that made me more alive to be with them. Yet now, a good many years later, I have the feeling that more than just a few of them are spending their lives at work in which none of these gifts is being used, at work they seem to be working at with neither much pleasure nor any sense of accomplishment. This is the sadness of the game, and the danger of it is that maybe we find that in some measure we are among them or that we are too blind to see that we are. *adapted

In December, I decided to make a concious effort to eat more natural foods (farmers markets), use more natural products (mineral makeup) and be more aware of pollutants (household cleaners) that may absorb into the body. I’ve always picked natural foods and products when given a choice, but never went out of my way to find natural alternatives. I’ve read in literature and reports that this kind of cleansing actually transforms and renews a person’s energy, skin, thinking, performance… ect. So I thought I’d give it a whirl.

Two months after beginning the process, I don’t think I’ve ever been more sick than now. I wanted to blame it on all these natural products depriving my body of the bacteria “it needs to fight to stay active and in shape”. However, I think this illness is actually caused not by what I’m putting in, but by whats coming out– years and years of toxins stored up. So I’ve been using a series of algaes, seaweeds and other cleansing naturals to detoxify the grime. Slowly becoming more and more sick… a painful process, but a good pain. In the end, I know I’ll be better for it… my body will be pleasured by the purity.

Another Christmas has come and gone…it was the cherry to top off the past; sharing time with lots of family, singing christmas carols by the fire, enjoying treats that go way past caloric guidelines. And now… The chocolate drizzle over the cherry, flying high over the world next to two senior citizens… Sipping on champagne and sharing about the days gone by. What a way to go out. I set myself up for a good 2009 with trips and leisure hobby seminars to get out to 6 months from now. The future is looking bright for 2009 my friends.

Have you ever had a friend say something to you that just completely threw you off guard. I mean, something that was just totally not what you expected, perhaps even something vicious?

A natural human reaction is to be dumbfounded… probably confused followed with anger. Anger that someone so close could say something so ‘off’. Off character, maybe off key, maybe just off– the wall. If you’re good, this is where self control sets in and tells you to just walk away. Don’t react… let time heal the words. But if you’re not so good, defensiveness sets in. Suddenly you find yourself attacking the person you love. Maybe it’s because you’re scared… of the unknown– not knowing those words were even possible to be coming from a friend (usually you can predict your friends words). Or scared that a person you trusted now seems to be playing for the other team… the opposing team that’s out to make your life a living hell– I think they call that one paranoia though.

If you’re prideful– or just human, you too lash back with your own set of words that you know will cut right to the heart. Deep into the heart. Something that will knock them too off guard and send a little bit of that vicious medicine their way. It all happens so quickly and before you know it, you’re both sitting wondering what the heck just happened. Did we really just say that to each other? Do we really feel that way about each other? Now you’re both confused… and sad and angry.

Does an apology heal the words that have been said? Now both of you will live in fear that if the friendship mends… those same words could come out again and hurt all over. Very sad. And yet, this is happening in our world everyday… friendships thrown to the fires of hell because things like vulnerability seem so hard to accept. Fear stands in the doorway telling us all… if you mend a broken friendship and allow yourself to become vulnerable again, the door will slam in your face a lot harder than the first. Sadly, fear wins most of the time.

My take. Fear is no friend of mine. I’d rather feel the hurt 70 times over than to never open myself up and love someone over and over again to the very depths of death. I would die for you my friend, if it meant we could live and love in our friendship for just moment in time.

Music. Its so powerful. If you’re succeptible to good music, you too have been overpowered by the emotion behind it. It’s kind of neat though that as you listen to someone else tell a story to melody, you suddenly feel in company. Like someone else understands. It almost makes everything a good thing that you experience because someone else gets it too. And then there’s those songs that some people believe were written just for them… about them… to them. Ah… music is a pretty awesome creation God made. And I’m glad he gave me a slice of appreciation for it. As I’m listening to a tune now… I can relate to where it’s going. This happens quite a bit where I hear what someone else is saying and can relate… with just a few minor changes to the verbage… we are singing the same tune. And suddenly I don’t feel alone. I’ve learned that no matter where you go in life… music can bring you right back. If you’re like me… I hear the music and all of a sudden I can smell and taste and touch it all in one note. That’s power!