Begin Again

There’s a message that’s been murmuring in my thoughts and trailing under the point of my pen over the last month, and it’s this very simple phrase: Begin Again.

When I fall off the scales in a heaping bowl of ice cream and have no excuse like exercise to fall back on… it’s time to begin again. When I find the days flying by with fleeting to-dos yet little that remains lasting… it’s time to begin again. When I dedicate the better half of a month to achieving a goal and wake up on day 30 to realize I fell off the bandwagon a quarter of the way through… it’s time to begin again. When anxiety consumes my mind with worry and shame sets in for the hurts I’ve caused… it’s time to begin again!

The other night God woke me in a dream. I had been in a room with glass along one wall, and there was a door that led to a patio, which overlooked the world. I was in the room looking for something. I don’t know specifically what I was searching for, but I had a sense it wasn’t good and that I’d been doing this for a while… years maybe. While in this room looking under a bed, God said to me, ‘How long?’ I asked Him, ‘What do you mean?’ He said, ‘How long have you been holding on?’

I realized in that moment I had spent years searching, proving, trying to figure out the past, the mistakes, the regrets, instead of opening the glass door into something new, with a view of the world. Just through the door were opportunities I had been passing by because I was choosing to stay inside, searching for the ‘pain’, which I’m sure over time had become comfortable and a part of me.

After months of troubling prayers for deliverance, God was showing me the door has always been there. It’s time to get up off my knees, stop the search party and the incessant prayers, and actually walk through the grace He’s already provided and just… begin again.

God, oh my gracious God, you are always good to us. Forgive me, Father, for feeling like you’ve been holding back good things and a way out. I feel very elementary in my faith when I reflect on your Word and wonder, ‘how in the world did I miss the door?’ Help me to trust you, God, as I walk by the light of Your Word. Open my eyes and ears, Lord, that I may be reminded of your provision in my past each time I look for you in the future. You are remarkable. Incredible. Awesome in all that You are. I am so blessed to know you as my Father. Thank you, God.