To wake up one day and find oneself alone in hell is the most disturbing, heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, soul shattering feeling I’ve ever claimed to know. My body physically trembled in fear, my mind refused to grant rest, I grew weakened with every waking moment until every muscle, every emotion, every limb in my body limped to that rope and collapsed, not even able to hold on for a last moment. And as I fell… in His loving mercy, Jesus stretched out his arms to catch the beauty He created. I cried out in humility, His embrace carried me to help that night. A dim light was cast upon the narrow path I needed to walk. I saw an angel at the entrance with his hand held out. I took a step forward and grasped tightly as understanding and strength trickled into my bones. Further down the path, I saw another angel with an outstretched arm. I reached for it. My mind began to swirl, I could not see and everything went cold. I awoke, soaked in sweat, alone, laying in the depths of darkness. Where was I? How did this happen? My mind was too naive of the enemy’s disguise. No! No! No! I don’t want to be here. The taunts began again. They called out from the grave I buried. They refused to let rest come upon my soul as I quivered in pride that I could be here, yet again. The hatred was intensified this time. A depression suppressed even the slight weakness left in me. My mind gave up. My heart was artificially alive on bed rest, my body just a decaying flesh. My soul slowly immersed in a pool of voices that created a heaviness which weighed down my spirit, paralyzing every part left of me… as fear of drowning set in. Submerged in evil, there was a last gasp of breath left before the end… my quivering lips made a desperate howl for help; an authentic heaving heard around the globe. My lungs deflated in grief as the sorrow to weep was bereft of life. The body had finally broken, the scraps washed away. The air went silent.

It’s been six months since I first embarked on the wonderful world of being a barista. It’s become my ‘business before hours’. While others stay up all night sharing the city’s gossip over a little bubbly, I network over a sunrise and a piping hot roast. I never expected to stay longer than six months, but here I am enjoying every cup I serve. There’s such a dynamic in the type of people I serve; it’s become the perfect place to people watch. Even the ‘partners’ I work with would make for an instant hit remake of ‘the breakfast club’. From daybreak, this little coffee shop will consistently have cars lined up for miles, yet its where I go to to escape the hustle and bustle in life.

There are three distinct lessons I have learned as the girl in the green apron. One-how to make the sale nine out of ten times. Within seconds I can guess what you’re drinking, eating, where you work, how your day is gonna go and what I can sell that you WILL buy. Second-how to dumb down, sophisticate and strike up a conversation with anyone, no matter how shy he/she is. And lastly-how to have a good attitude and patience with customers who can’t make a decision and supervisors who aren’t skilled for leadership. It’s the green apron that keeps me humble when I feel I’m above the rest.

Its been 3 months since I felt the sunny skies of Florida and yet the grief from saying goodbye hasn’t hit until today when I finally unpacked all that I stuffed into a POD in the blazing heat of a late July afternoon. My eyes grazed over the blanket of white sand still glimmering over the boxes and bags. Each grainial reminds me of each friend I made in the sunshine state. The soft, white dusting is remnents of a life of ‘luxury’ I once lived… A dream. The scatteredness of its dusting tells me that life is no longer and simulates the confusion, questions and randomness my life has taken on. And yet as a small army of trailers and hands helped me unpack the mound that was stacked by three bodies, i’m overwhelmed by the love and support I have here. While i’m mourning the closure of a chapter, i’m learning to trust in the love of friendships and my heavenly father-that they each have my back during a time i’m so unsure of my tomorrow.

During the couple of months I have ‘barista-ed’ at Starbucks, I have met many people. And it’s amazing what 30-seconds (the length of time it takes me to whip up a steamy cup while carrying a converstation with a customer) can tell you about a person. From just a few seconds I can tell you where they work, how their weekend was spent and what kind of a day they are having. Whats most important though is what kind of drink a person orders; this says it all! But I have come to form a person’s profile is constructed in those first few moments of the order. For instance, “tall in a venti cup” says ‘I’m cheap’, “sugar-free, nonfat with whipped cream” says ‘I’m trying to tell myself I’m losing weight’ and my personal favorite “venti, quad, 3 pump mocha, 3 pump caramel, extra hot, breve with light ice and a dome lid”… give me a break. You can only imagine what this says about the customer… but one word comes to mind ‘complicated’. And seriously there are those whose one-drink rap sheet is even longer than this! I can tell you people who order mocha’s and frappachinos have a sweet tooth and are not watching their weight. People who order ‘light’ drinks with whipped cream probably struggle with self esteem. Those who stick to straight black brews are very simple, don’t like change and know exactly what they want. And as time goes by, what I continue to learn about each customer proves my profiling conclusions that you are what you drink.

I’ve been working a parttime job at Starbucks; I’m a little infatuated with their coffee drinks and couldn’t really think of another way I could still drink them without income coming in… so it made sense to just work there, get free coffee all day, learn their tricks behind a perfect espresso AND get some spending cash 🙂 Believe it or not its taken about a month to get setup in my new place in life. I only plan to be here temporarily so I can get some of those small personal projects done I’ve been wanting to do, get God’s guidance on the future of my career and set myself up for a great beginning in one of the most beautiful places around. I love the Fall weather in the Midwest, it’s already getting cool outside, low 70’s… I love it! I get to wear a jacket and not feel sweaty all day!! The breezes are beautiful and being around my family is fantastic! Something really neat: I’m a huge fan of Craig Groschel (if you’ve never read Chazown, you’ve got to read it! I bought the book two years ago and have read it several times since). When I got here, I asked a friend what church he’d recommend for the area of town I’m living in. He gave me a recommendation of where a friend of his goes, which is maybe a mile at most from where I live. So I tried it. It’s a starter church, something I’m really used to; the last six years I’ve spent my Sundays in two starter churches. This particular church happens to simulcast Craig Groschel every Sunday for the teaching. They have a very intimate setting in a strip mall with couches in the sanctuary, cafe tables and candles on every table for lighting. It’s beautiful, the messages are meaningful and I enjoy the people! It’s already been an absolute knowing from God that this is where I’m supposed to be! I love confirmation… so affirming and makes me just feel God’s embrace! I know I won’t be here long in this place, but it’s been such a lesson to me. We’re never anywhere in life that we can be sure of that tomorrow will come. Knowing that my time here is short, I’m making the most out of every single moment of my day. From the smiles I give to every customer that strolls through my till, to the love I pour out in every drink I make; even to those just driving by as I go for my walks. I want every person that I come in contact with to know they are getting the best of me– a bright smile, a kindness in my eyes and bounce in my step. And the greatest part is that I really feel it all from the bottom of my heart. I have such an outpouring in my soul for people and what better place to be than in the hub of it all, Starbucks.

I moved into a condo community where the average age is 60+, on purpose. I enjoy listening to stories and gathering wisdom of the ages that hasn’t failed me yet. In fact, several times over the last three years this hand-me-down perspective has saved me many tribulations. Just yesterday my friend Charlie sat me down by the pool with elation, he has lost 60lbs so far! Seven months ago it was a community staple to have a beer bellied Charlie guzzling a case by the pool, baking past the point of a well worn wallet. After a heart attack in December, the realization of missing out on his 1-month old granddaughter’s wedding kicked his habits. Today, I leave for work and catch Charlie making his rounds to reach 7 miles a day on foot. I come home to an empty poolside; Charlie’s slightly tanned hands are grilling fish for dinner as he sips an iced tea to stay cool.

It’s amazing, scripture has all the answers I need and sometimes I fail to recognize the truth. There’s an old story about a man drowning, pleading with God to save Him. The guy dies. When he gets to heaven, he asks God, ‘why didn’t you try to save me’? God says ‘I sent the boat and the helicopter.’ This rings true in my life a lot. Why do I insist on things be done my way? My thoughts are but a small speck in God’s infinite wisdom and possibilities. Failure is not falling down, but staying down. Thank God He has the patience to see me stand back up. And thank God for the ‘boat’ and ‘helicoptor’!

I have disappeared; leaving behind no evidence of where I am, not a phone call or google search will reveal the depths of where I’ve gone. I need an escape from life, a few days of uninterrupted peace. A place where the burdens, drama and realities can not find me and distractions won’t be mistaken as answers. Life and love is meaningless in a lost soul. It is aching. That is how I feel waking up in paradise and falling asleep to magenta sunsets.

I hope to get lost in a fantasy that brings out my inhibitions and unlocks fear. I crave the raw core of my heart to be revealed. What am I most afraid of? What is it I want more than anything in the world? I pray for a revelation of biblical magnitude and the strength to follow it.

Isn’t it interesting when you watch a movie and the climate for characters start to become perfect to the point of utopia, the audience can predict something very bad is about to happen. I wonder if that kind of thought process goes beyond just watching movies and rubs off on our own lives. At a moment when things seem surreal, we expect catastrophy. And because our focus is placed on the worst, those events actually do come true.

Then I wonder if perhaps God saves us in a manner from critical thoughts creeping into our lives just before death. He doesn’t manipulate minds because the bible says He gives us free will, but perhaps his human creation is made in such a way that whatever, just before we die, makes us so undeniably happy happens to a point that the mind can’t even comprehend that a negative is imminent.

It’s just a thought.