These seasons are shorter looking back from the other side. Don’t let these moments slip away.
Stretch out the sentences with your honesty; it’s a treasure that loses power the longer we wait. Even the tears unlock a vault of vulnerability that acts more like gravity between two hearts.
Unbridle the laughter when life brings you immense joy.
This place of surrender and trust is the shortest path between two people. This is how we love.
Understanding trust gives us words to say, ‘here’s my struggle and why I can’t rely on you’. Trust is a huge word with tons of weight around it.
There are common, quiet thoughts in our mind about trust that often go unspoken because we’re not really sure on how to sort through the vowels and verbs to make any sense of it. Researcher Brene Brown has a gift with dissecting and then organizing human connection. (Her bestsellers are worth buying; you’ll want to highlight, dog ear and pull these pages from the shelf to share.) Recently, she spliced open the anatomy of trust. Here are a few notes I’ve taken on the way we trust.
Trust is built in small, seemingly insignificant moments. It’s built when we ask for help and someone is there to lend a hand. Anytime we’re scared, there’s an opportunity for someone to build trust with us.
These same moments available for trust building are also available for betrayal. When we choose *not* to connect when the opportunity is there, this silent trust turns into betrayal.
Dr. Brown says that trust is really ‘braving’ connection with people.
B.R.A.V.I.N.G.
Here’s how she breaks down the acronym.
Boundaries: Trust is built when you are clear about your boundaries and you hold to them. I must also be clear about my own and expect you to respect them.
Reliability: Trust is built when you do what you say you are going to do. And not just once. We need to do what we say we are going to do over and over and over again. That’s what builds trust.
We also have to be clear on our limitations so we don’t take on so much that we come up short and can’t deliver on our commitments. Acceptance of these limitations from you and me is vital to trust.
Accountability: Trust is built when you make a mistake and are able to own it, apologize for it and make amends. When I make a mistake, trust is built when I am able to own it, apologize for it and make amends for it.
Vault: Trust is built when what I share with you, you hold in confidence. And what you share with me, I hold in confidence. We both need to see that confidentiality with others is acknowledged in our conversations with each other.
You cannot share things that are not yours to share as a way to hot-wire connection with a friend. Your closeness cannot be built on talking bad about other people. Common enemy intimacy is built on hating the same people. That’s counterfeit trust. That’s not real.
Integrity: Act from a place of integrity and encourage me to do the same thing. This builds trust. Choosing courage over comfort. What’s right over what’s fun, fast or easy. Practicing your values, and not just professing them.
Non-judgment: Trust is built when I can fall apart and struggle and ask for help without being judged by you. And conversely, you can fall apart and struggle and ask for help without being judged by me.
We are generally better at helping people than asking for help. Yet, if you can’t ask for help and I cannot ask, then this is not a trusting relationship. There’s a temptation to assign value to your help. You may determine your worth based on how you’re helping someone. Or perhaps you think less of yourself if you need the help. However, if you think less of yourself for needing help, then when you offer to help someone else, you will think less of them too. We cannot get value from being a helper in a relationship. This is not your worth.
Generosity: It’s only a trusting relationship if you can assume the most generous positive thoughts about what my intentions and behaviors are doing and what my words are saying, and then check in with me. So if I screw up and say something or forget something, you will make a generous, positive assumption. As opposed to guarding your heart from me or ignoring my calls or efforts.
Here’s the catch to trust. We cannot trust others if we don’t first trust ourselves.
One of the biggest casualties with heartbreak, disappointment and failure is is not the loss of trust with other people but the loss of self-trust.
In my own life (Trisha speaking here), Brown’s definitions have breathed new life into my ‘brave’. Past breakups and frustrations have kept my decisions locked in a cage of self reflection and doubt that I could trust myself anymore to make better choices.
If braving relationships with other people is braving connection, then braving self-trust is braving self-love and self-respect.
If you can’t count on yourself, you can’t ask other people to give you what you don’t have. You have to start with self-trust.
Maya Angelou puts it this way, ‘I do not trust people who don’t love themselves and yet tell me ‘I love you’. There’s an African proverb that says, ‘Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt’.
If you struggle with trust, examine first your own self-trust and how you treat yourself. You can’t ask people to give to you what you don’t believe you’re worthy of receiving. You will know you are worthy of receiving trust when you trust yourself above everyone else.
You may have reached your end, but it’s really a new beginning.
Though you may not see the hope at the end of your rope, let go.
Trust.
Free fall into the unknown and find His faithfulness.
When we come to the end of ourselves, we find Him.
Everything under the sun has been leading us to this point of no return.
God’s commands aren’t as vague and gray as we like to think they are in the moments of contemplating compromise.
Stepping up to the treadmill, my body is aching from the 3/4 quart of ice cream I binged on last night. I regret the lack of brilliance in that decision now, but the Academy Awards were on! My lack of self control around sweets is a story for another day. However, because of my addiction, it also didn’t phase me a few months ago when a cookie company was “erroneously” charging my credit card nearly every day for spoonfuls of sugar. Back to this story though…
Some of the best thinking I do happens when I’m running. And for this, I wish they made treadmills with voice command so I could work out of the mind as I work out the flesh.
Side note here: the other day I watched a man carry in a bowling bag with a tabletop fan, that he plugged into the treadmill outlet and bung-ied to the front of the machine interface… in. the. gym! For an hour he ran like this and it has me thinking possibilities of a laptop tied to the front of my machine could be a reality.
Today in mid-run, I began to daydream about the smoothie bar on the main level of the gym, which should be considered free with as much as some gym memberships cost (not naming names but just because it’s a nonprofit, doesn’t make it cheap, so I have learned).
Surely after that sweet potato pancake and eggs an hour earlier, I was not hungry for a smoothie. Yet, the thought was there and I could clearly see the hand-painted, wood plank sign hanging above the bar that read, “Christie’s”.
That name was resonating in my mind a bit because it sounded similar to that aforementioned cookie company I circled with over identity theft some weeks back. Seriously, I cannot believe someone was spending $5.60 daily on cookie calories! Sounds like a waste.
But in all fairness, I spend that much in smoothies almost daily, so I understand compulsive purchases.
Do you think…?
Nah, the likelihood of a cookie company owning a smoothie bar in a gym seems far stretched to me. But that is strange how the series of cookie charges showing on my statements were consistent with what I think I spend on smoothies.
Coincidence?
Then, it hit in the snap of a second. My face went from beat red running to a whiter shade of pale as I stopped stunned in my steps.
There are no coincidences.
I made a mistake! Oh no, I made a mistake!
Over weeks of conference calls and open investigations combing through evidence, the legal departments concluded someone swiped my card, but it wasn’t me. Nearly $100 was credited back to my account and the case was closed. I had won.
Winning in this life isn’t everything. In fact, compared to the paradoxical freedom in following God’s precepts, winning in this life is nothing.
Liberty is discovered through the will of God rather than our own desires. Sometimes we need to forfeit winnings here to gain earnings in heaven.
It is a cookie cutter choice to make. You’re either in the will of God or you’re not. You either trust Him or you don’t.
Trust me, the devil asked if I really wanted to go through the hassle of reopening a closed case. And he gave me four more chances to walk away with the money and my time in hand, as the bank, credit card, dispute department and fraud division all attempted to talk me out of the work unfolding from this decision.
There is nothing worth more than our love and desire to obey God.
Oh Lord, your reminders of how good you are just blow my mind and break my heart. You are so good to us. Help me to remember your goodness always and give me the strength to never trade it in for something less than the freedom You alone provide.
“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” – Confucious
The falls in life usher new seasons that change the chromatic scale of a soul.
When my life feels tangled up with complicated cords, I jump. Four years ago, my work and relationship empire began to crumble. Under pressure, I plunged from the pain and got twisted up in an exhilarating free fall that had me parachuting into the world of dance.
Some lessons later, I was swinging away the blues with a new focus. In class, I stumbled over the feet of a confident partner who was a little cocky in his push and pull, which I enjoyed. We swiveled West Coast Swing into any space we could.
The leaves formed and fell as my dancing feet moved with the rhythm of life. And then, a new season came, swaying my course into a new city. Reluctantly, I boxed up another chapter.
Dust settled on the shine of those dancing shoes as unfortunate circumstances chiseled away at the emotional edges of walls I had built.
I clung to my brokenness, and stuffed my soul with the false security of familiarity.
And yet, God met me with mercy in those tears, as He unwrapped the wounds and purified the bleeding pain. He revealed fresh layers of faith and revived buried passions.
This year has been a journey of beginnings. So it should not surprise you that last week, I took a leap right into Lindy Hop; back into the world of dance.
In the sway of those old songs, I was reminded a good dancer is one who follows the tender touch communicating which way go. This is a lesson for me in life, as sometimes it can be a struggle to restrain my tendency to control things with others and with God. Truthfully, I discovered a greater freedom in following the gentle nudges and flick of a wrist that send me sailing left over right in a thrilling twist of surprise and pure joy.
A dance begins on trust; otherwise, partners will fumble and fall over footwork. Expressions with the hands and body inspire each other in speechless conversations. I feel a blanket of peace covering my mistakes because I know this partner is a step ahead of me with his arms held out to catch me in a fall.
As you’ve been reading this, I hope you caught the reflection of God as your partner in the dance of life.
It can be difficult to close your eyes and concede control when you don’t know a companion, much less the dance. Yet, the only way to experience the thrill that comes with taking chances is to trust. Trust the One who is already ahead of you in the dance.
He will never let you go. Even when you’ve flung yourself so far away and gotten twisted up in the momentum of your mistakes, He’s always waiting to whirl you back in; He welcomes with open arms on the return.
When you place your confidence in the palm of His hand, this unspoken permission allows Him to gently shimmy you in the way to go. It also grants Him access to press into your steps to stop and steer the course before you spin out of control.
You may be like me, with a tendency to escape pain, the unknown, and sometimes things that seem too good to be true.
There is no escape from the grip of God’s grace, interwoven and wrapped around every fiber of our being. He goes with us into the dances we do around life’s hard stuff so that we can discover the deeper love from a Father who never walks away, no matter what we’ve done.
God leaves the pattern of His fingerprint on every experience we encounter. When we know the lines in His hand and let them sink deep into our hearts, the imprint of His image stamps our soul with the Spirit’s seamless whispers, ‘I love you, I love you’.
Press into Him and feel the beat of His heart. Get close enough to taste the breath escaping His lungs through His lips.
Pray. Study Him. Seek His attention.
Open your eyes and notice His personalized expressions of love and beauty surrounding you. His embrace is warm and tender, His heart is compassionate and kind. He is for you. The identity of your first love is waiting to be discovered. The King is asking you for this dance.
Sometimes our circumstances can cause anxiety but what I’m here to remind you is that despite the outward situation, our good and loving Father will always bring something better out from the ruins that gives all glory back to God for something so marvelous. Most of the time, His work is being done in us during the ‘wait’ for a physical condition to change. This time of patience and trust in Him builds a faith for the future.
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? (Matthew 6:25)
It scares us to lose these necessities, but honestly, most of us don’t consume the basics of these needs. We buy into the pleasures of food and clothing and what frightens us most about losing them is that we would lose some human praise or admiring glances if we didn’t have nice clothes and that our taste buds would miss the rich flavor of certain foods.
And to this Jesus responds: If you are gripped by anxiety over these things, you have lost sight of the greatness of life. Life was not given primarily for physical pleasures or the approval of man, but for something greater—the enjoyment of God. The things of this world can not provide the greater things of life—the pursuit of God’s gracious favor, the love and joy of His spirit and the hope of eternity in His presence.
There’s another problem with anxiety though; it leads to sinful actions and attitudes. Anxiety about finances can cause coveting, greed, hoarding and stealing. Anxiety about succeeding at something can make you irritable and abrupt. Anxiety about relationships can make you withdrawn, indifferent and uncaring about other people. Anxiety about how someone will respond to you can make you cover over the truth and lie about things. If worry could be conquered, a lot of sins would be overcome.
Here are some reminders from Jesus and Paul about God’s promises to battle unbelief:
“Fear not for I am with you, be not dismayed for I am your God; I will help you, I will strengthen you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand” (Isaiah 41:10).
“So shall my word that goes forth from my mouth; it will not come back to me empty but accomplish that which I purpose, and prosper in the thing for which I sent it” (Isaiah 55:11).
“My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9).
“As your days so shall your strength be” (Deuteronomy 33:25).
“I will instruct you and teach you the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you” (Psalm 32:8).
“If God is for us who can be against us!” (Romans 8:31).
“…suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” (Romans 5:3–5).
“Even to your old age I am he, and to gray hairs I will carry you. I have made, and I will bear; I will carry and will save” (Isaiah 46:4).
“none of us lives to himself and none of us dies to himself; if we live we live to the Lord and if we die we die to the Lord. So whether we live or die we are the Lord’s. For to this end Christ died and rose again: that he might be Lord both of the dead and the living” (Romans 14:8–9).
“He who began a good work in you will complete it unto the day of Christ” (Philippians 1:6).
“He who calls you is faithful. He will do it” (1 Thessalonians 5:23).
“He is able for all time to save those who draw near to God through him, since he always lives to make intercession for them” (Hebrews 7:25).
Rest on the promises of God and find your security in His Truth. I pray you find peace as you look back at your own testimony and see that He’s never let you go yet. Time after time, our great Provider has been there holding your hand, sometimes carrying you through it. My hope is that His word will reign supreme in your heart and mind as comfort that He will never let you go. Your solid stance on the Rock will keep you steady, though the winds may blow, you cannot be carried away with the shifting sands. When you wake up on the other side, you will see that just as He provided a way in this situation, He will also do it again and again and again. He is greater than your circumstance! Believe it and let Him build your faith for an even greater future.
Excerpts from Battling Unbelief by John Piper.
For I know the plans I have for you… plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11
God knows, right down to the final nub, exactly where you are in life. He sees. He cares. He is aware. And best of all, He is touched by it.
The enemy of our souls wants you to think differently. ‘God doesn’t care. He’s left you in this mess for so many months. How unfair! Those around you, those at work, your neighbors, live like the devil, and they’re making it fine. And here you don’t even have a job. You don’t even have enough to cover the credit card bills. What kind of God is that?
Or maybe some young mother-to-be, stretched to the limit already with other young children and crushing responsibilities, cries out in her heart, ‘My situation is more than I can bear!’ And God replies, “My daughter, I know what I am doing. I know the pain of your heart right now. I know you feel overwhelmed, overloaded, pressed down. But believe Me, I am touched with your situation. And I have a plan! I am working out the details of your deliverance even now. Trust Me!”
-Charles Swindoll; Moses, A Man of Selfless Dedication
