Have you ever had a burning desire that just seems to overwhelm your every thought? I’ve been in the midst of that very thing for quite some time now. Sometimes the unmet longing feels like the worst thing that could happen; it makes my entire life seem disappointing and incomplete. I’ve had the urge to pursue this dream myself, in complete disregard of the timing of God’s will, but I know I’ll only end up truly disappointed, even if I were to get what I think I want. “There are two ways to get enough: One is to accumulate more and more; the other is to desire less.” While I can constantly amass additional things, relationships, and successes, there is always room for wanting even more. The cycle is endless. But if I could only learn to desire less, the likelihood of living a fulfilling life would increase. So I guess the question becomes how do I crave less? Scripture says by going back to the one desire present in every human heart: to know God. Deep down, this innate longing I have is actually a desire for more of the Lord. I feel dissatisfed with life now because I don’t have enough of Him. Even in times where it seems I have attained everything in the material world that I’ve ever wanted–there are still periods of yearning, sadness, and emptiness. The origin of such discontent and disappointment is a raging hunger for what I can’t see and do not fully know—God. The difficult part is that I can never fully know and understand God; there will always be more to uncover about Him. But He promises to reveal more about His ways the more I fellowship with Him. Amazingly, His word reminds me that as I begin to pursue that desire for God, He’ll fulfill the other desires He’s given me.
a souvenier sunrise
On Saturday and Sunday mornings I love getting up early to watch the sun rise. I walk a half mile to a point I consider one of the best places to watch. No buildings or traffic, just open land. On my walk to the point I can start to feel the warmth on my back and see a twinge of light sneaking into the corners of my sunshades. It brings a huge smile to my face because it feels like the sun is just waking up and embracing me from behind. As I continue to walk to the point, that twinge gets a little more brighter and brighter. It’s enticing. I feel like the sun is cooking up a surprise and I can’t seem to wait any longer before I turn around and see the light show. As soon as I get to my point, I turn and see the magnificence. My face lights up. It’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen… Morning after morning its a new scene from the same point and is always a surprise. Sometimes I’m tempted to paint it, but it would be an injustice to what my eyes can capture. I think i prefer to keep it in my mind where it can remain that special souvenior God has given me here in Florida.
it knows no end
I did not love him, God knows, because I was some sort of saint or hero. I did not love him because I suddenly saw the light or because I hoped by loving him would persuade him to fix my life. I loved him because I couldn’t help myself. I loved him because the one who commands us to love is the one who also empowers us to love, as there in the wilderness of that dark and terrible time i was in, through no doing of my own, empowered to love him at least a little, at least enough to survive.
So much happens to us over the years, within us, through us, it’s important to take time to remember on purpose. It means not picking up a book or turning on the radio, but letting the mind journey gravely, deliberately, back through the years that have gone by but are not gone. It means a deeper, slower kind of remembering; it means remembering as a searching and finding. And then, we will find, beyond any feelings of joy or regret that one by one the memories give rise to, a profound and undergirding peace, a sense that in some unfathomable way all is well. We have survived, you and I. Maybe that is at the heart of remembering. We have made it to this year, this day. We needn’t have made it. There were times we never thought we would and nearly didn’t. There were times we almost hoped we wouldn’t, were ready to give the whole thing up. Each must speak for himself, for herself, but I say for myself that I have seen sorrow and pain enough to turn the heart to stone. Who hasn’t? Many times I have chosen the wrong road, or the right road for the wrong reason. Many times I have loved the people I love too much for either their good or mine, and others I might have loved I have missed loving and lost. I have followed too much the desires of my own heart, yet often when my heart called out to me to be brave, to be kind, to be honest, I have not followed at all. Weak as we are, a strength beyond our strength has pulled us through at least this far, at least to this day. Foolish as we are, a wisdom beyond our wisdom has flickered up just often enough to light us if not to the right path through the forest, at least to a path that leads us forward, that is bearable. Faint of heart as we are, a love beyond our power to love has kept our hearts alive. * adapted
the sadness of the game
There is a sad and dangerous little game we play when we get to be a certain age. It is a form of solitaire. We look back through old photographs of people we knew best and recall the days, all those years ago. We think about all the exciting, crazy, wonderfully characteristic things they used to be interested in and about the kind of dreams we had for them. Then we think about what those people are actually doing with their lives, what we are doing with them now five or ten years later. I make no claim that the game is always sad or that when it seems to be sad our judgment is always right, but once or twice when I have played it myself, sadness has been a large part of what I have felt. Because in my photographs, there were people who had a real flair, a real talent, for something. Maybe it was for writing or singing or sports. Maybe it was an interest and a joy in working with people toward some common goal, a sense of responsibility for people who in some way had less or were less. Sometimes it was just their capacity for being so alive that made me more alive to be with them. Yet now, a good many years later, I have the feeling that more than just a few of them are spending their lives at work in which none of these gifts is being used, at work they seem to be working at with neither much pleasure nor any sense of accomplishment. This is the sadness of the game, and the danger of it is that maybe we find that in some measure we are among them or that we are too blind to see that we are. *adapted
Purify for Pleasure
In December, I decided to make a concious effort to eat more natural foods (farmers markets), use more natural products (mineral makeup) and be more aware of pollutants (household cleaners) that may absorb into the body. I’ve always picked natural foods and products when given a choice, but never went out of my way to find natural alternatives. I’ve read in literature and reports that this kind of cleansing actually transforms and renews a person’s energy, skin, thinking, performance… ect. So I thought I’d give it a whirl.
Two months after beginning the process, I don’t think I’ve ever been more sick than now. I wanted to blame it on all these natural products depriving my body of the bacteria “it needs to fight to stay active and in shape”. However, I think this illness is actually caused not by what I’m putting in, but by whats coming out– years and years of toxins stored up. So I’ve been using a series of algaes, seaweeds and other cleansing naturals to detoxify the grime. Slowly becoming more and more sick… a painful process, but a good pain. In the end, I know I’ll be better for it… my body will be pleasured by the purity.
a happy new year for sure
Another Christmas has come and gone…it was the cherry to top off the past; sharing time with lots of family, singing christmas carols by the fire, enjoying treats that go way past caloric guidelines. And now… The chocolate drizzle over the cherry, flying high over the world next to two senior citizens… Sipping on champagne and sharing about the days gone by. What a way to go out. I set myself up for a good 2009 with trips and leisure hobby seminars to get out to 6 months from now. The future is looking bright for 2009 my friends.
friends are friends forever… right?
Have you ever had a friend say something to you that just completely threw you off guard. I mean, something that was just totally not what you expected, perhaps even something vicious?
A natural human reaction is to be dumbfounded… probably confused followed with anger. Anger that someone so close could say something so ‘off’. Off character, maybe off key, maybe just off– the wall. If you’re good, this is where self control sets in and tells you to just walk away. Don’t react… let time heal the words. But if you’re not so good, defensiveness sets in. Suddenly you find yourself attacking the person you love. Maybe it’s because you’re scared… of the unknown– not knowing those words were even possible to be coming from a friend (usually you can predict your friends words). Or scared that a person you trusted now seems to be playing for the other team… the opposing team that’s out to make your life a living hell– I think they call that one paranoia though.
If you’re prideful– or just human, you too lash back with your own set of words that you know will cut right to the heart. Deep into the heart. Something that will knock them too off guard and send a little bit of that vicious medicine their way. It all happens so quickly and before you know it, you’re both sitting wondering what the heck just happened. Did we really just say that to each other? Do we really feel that way about each other? Now you’re both confused… and sad and angry.
Does an apology heal the words that have been said? Now both of you will live in fear that if the friendship mends… those same words could come out again and hurt all over. Very sad. And yet, this is happening in our world everyday… friendships thrown to the fires of hell because things like vulnerability seem so hard to accept. Fear stands in the doorway telling us all… if you mend a broken friendship and allow yourself to become vulnerable again, the door will slam in your face a lot harder than the first. Sadly, fear wins most of the time.
My take. Fear is no friend of mine. I’d rather feel the hurt 70 times over than to never open myself up and love someone over and over again to the very depths of death. I would die for you my friend, if it meant we could live and love in our friendship for just moment in time.
notes of power
Music. Its so powerful. If you’re succeptible to good music, you too have been overpowered by the emotion behind it. It’s kind of neat though that as you listen to someone else tell a story to melody, you suddenly feel in company. Like someone else understands. It almost makes everything a good thing that you experience because someone else gets it too. And then there’s those songs that some people believe were written just for them… about them… to them. Ah… music is a pretty awesome creation God made. And I’m glad he gave me a slice of appreciation for it. As I’m listening to a tune now… I can relate to where it’s going. This happens quite a bit where I hear what someone else is saying and can relate… with just a few minor changes to the verbage… we are singing the same tune. And suddenly I don’t feel alone. I’ve learned that no matter where you go in life… music can bring you right back. If you’re like me… I hear the music and all of a sudden I can smell and taste and touch it all in one note. That’s power!
ring around
To a woman, one… just one of the best parts of being married is the shiny rock that sits on her hand. A daily reminder of the vows she shared with her hubby, a symbol of the timelessness and wholeness of marriage and of course, the eternal bond she has entered into. A sign of satisfaction, a sign of the purified sanction.
8 months after I got married, I woke up one morning to find my ring finger in small blisters. I pulled the ring off and soothed the pain with ointments. After healing, I put my ring back on… within an hour or so, I was left in blisters again. I covered the finger in ointment and waited a couple days before I replaced the ring. But once again, I broke out in blisters. I tried the other hand… blisters. So now, for the last 7 months… I have been ringless. I’m allergic to my wedding ring… well, white gold actually. But that kind of thing starts to mess with your mind. Without that ring, there’s a sense of freedom thats projected to the world. Without that ring, I feel bare. Without that ring, I feel like something is missing with me. It’s amazing at what just a few months of high-class, expensive ring wearing can do to a person. But it’s not just that, it’s what it stands for. So I slip that shiny jewel on whenever I have a big meeting or even if it’s just a small gathering where I think men might mistake the bare finger as an opportunity. I guess the ointment treatments are a small price to pay for the chance to wear some diamonds!
Missing you
If you’re reading this… there’s a good chance I’m missing you right at this exact moment. It has been a rocky four and a half years since I left my Iowa roots. And I have found that starting over isn’t as easy done as it was to roll off the tongue. My mind envisioned and my heart prayed for an exciting, carefree beginning, full of dignity, growth and joy. What I didn’t think about was this: to feel joy, you have to know what sorrow is and to experience growth, you have to fail in order to learn.
Today, I have a great church, a great job and plenty of great people that I’ve met in this new place. But what I miss is the seasons, the sites and simplicity of midwest living. I miss the family I formed 23 years of memories on and friends that I shared life with. I have carried these relationships with me, but as time has passed, those memories are becoming more distant… in fact, they are starting to fade.
That’s just sad. So I’m trying to keep those valued friendships alive through Facebook. And you know what, it’s kind of working! I get to see photos posted everyday from my friends who have now gone on to form families. It’s like these fond relationships have been rekindled. And I love that so many people I’ve lost touch with are seeking me out. It’s like I won the lottery! It means they’re still thinking of me and haven’t forgotten. Now, whenever I’m having a bad day and just need an old friend’s ear, I can log on and rely on their response to get me through, just like the good ole days.