It’s been a while since i’ve been able to take a breath and share my life. I asked my work to send me overseas on a project in November… it ended up taking me til now to get caught up on everything else. I did get a 2-week trip home to see family and friends over Christmas, but even then I shared a portion of my time on work. I am happy to say I am not here to talk about that.

I’ve learned over these last few months how to stress myself into unbearable pain. So in the midst of it, I have tried to focus on simple things in life that can nourish my soul, mind and body. I’ve been spending my weekends at the library for hours reading biographies and historic events and my weekdays at the gym lifting and listening to audiobooks and messages of hope. I’ve turned my office into a serene escape with waterfalls and the sounds of nature and my evenings with bubble baths, soft bath towels and warmed pajamas straight out of the dryer. My nutrition is filled with lots of healthy protein and vegetables… and snacks of fruit. I’ve filled mornings with massages and days with good conversations reconnecting with friends. Its the simplist of actions that have started to restore my soul.

I’ve been living in South Florida for more than five years now and every day it becomes more and more of a sad state to be in- literally. I MISS the colors of the leaves in the fall, the cool breeze that blows even in the summer, the falling leaves, the need for a jacket, the appearance of the earth and everything on it without the sun shining, the smell of a cool rain, the wonder of watching snow fall, a walk outside in the fall, spring, or summer that leaves a person feeling refreshed, the need for warm beverages, the sound of people outside, the lights of Christmas and smell of evergreens, the need for heat, a fireplace and warm clothing, the conversation that carries on when two people are outside walking just so the moment can continue, a layer of snow covering everything, a need for the warmth that comes from being in the company of others, campgrounds at dusk with blazing fires and people huddled around roasting marshmallows and the people who care genuinely for the wellbeing of others- some call them family, I call them Iowans.

Today I weighed in at 118 with 43% muscle mass and 19% fat content. I feel pretty good about those numbers. I haven’t really been able to ‘dedicate’ myself to toning my body in the last year like I had hoped; my work schedule has kept me busy. But I’ve made it to the gym at least 4 times a week and spent my ‘days off’ walking trails. I switched over to eating lots of vegetables and protein– drinking lots of fresh fruit in homemade smoothies. I also cut out alcohol- except a glass of wine here or there. No fast food, rarely a sit-down restaurant. These were some very important decisions for me, very hard to keep, but they were kept. Maintaining a healthy body probably does more for your mind than it does for your body physically. I enjoy it. I long to be a mother. But not just any mom, a good mom who shows her kids the balance of a healthy lifestyle, both physically and mentally– Spending time together actively; going for walks, hiking, running, singing, building things, cooking meals, helping others. Not spending time watching television shows, sitting around the house, staring at a computer or playing video games. I really believe the only way to teach this is to do them myself, to believe it and live it. I’ve seen obesity run in my family and poor health run in skinny people. I refuse to except that as my life or the life of my future family.

Every Sunday morning, I like to rise real early before the sun comes up and walk a trail next to my house. The trail extends a half mile one way along a side street. About a quarter mile into the walk, every canopying tree clears and the trail is totally exposed by vacant land that seems to go on and on for at least 500 yards on all sides. It’s incredible. I start my walk off slowly as I set my ipod to my sunday morning walk playlist. It doesn’t take long and my heart seems to protrude through my voice. I belt out songs of praise and desire for God with my arms lifted high while I walk this trail. Once in a while, I’ll see others walking the trail, some on their way to work, some pedaling for cans, some trying to squeeze in a walk like me. And even though they are within listening range and I fully realize I am ‘tone deaf’, I just sing and sing and sing… they just smile. I have a favorite playlist that begins with ‘Meet With Me’ and ends with ‘Enough’. It makes me feel like I’m inviting God to meet with me on my walk, I praise him for 45 minutes and end by telling him he’s more than enough. It’s my way of pouring out my heart to Jesus in my own ‘intimate’ timing on Sunday morning. Then I head off to church.

I’m in the midst of losing a friend and I feel… confused… and really sad. Not to death, not to distance, I’m losing him to choice. Can people even do this… make decisions to sever friendships on good terms? Why would someone want to do this? A mix of feelings flood my mind… I’m repulsed, offended, terrified, angry… sad. I want to say ‘no, don’t go… I’ll go’, but wait, that doesn’t make sense, I’d still be losing my friend. There is nothing I can say… nothing I can do that will hold onto this relationship. Why do I even care this much? I have plenty of other friends. Really nice ones too. But when I think about it… sometimes there are certain people who are simply– irreplaceable. No imitation or substitute can compare. Why though? What makes them “irreplaceable”? Well, this friend in particular, when I think of him, I see someone who’s funny– but not just funny, he’s really funny– my kind of funny, and smart– but not just smart, he’s really smart– my kind of smart, and wise– but not just wise, he’s … Alright, I see the pattern, certain people are just really good at the ways they are known for and I guess that makes them irreplaceable. They have become masters of their own traits. And when you find someone like that, you would fight the world over to keep them close. These people are a treasure… worth a king’s ransom. Most people go their whole lives without finding this type of friend, but me, I found him… and now, I’m losing him. It’s like trying to hold the grains of sand as they slip between my fingertips. “Change is the process by which the future invades our lives.” ~Alvin Toffler

I just returned from a wonderful trip home to spend with my family. There was a high school graduation and a bridal shower. I had so much fun planning the festivities, designing and decorating the events and enjoying the company of loved ones. And although I ended up sick, due to being overworked, I really wouldn’t have had it any other way. I’m the big sister. I’ve got a title to live up to and a ‘right of passage’ to exercise. I’ve always treasured my sisters, their relationship with each other and the growth inside themselves individually. It’s been such an awesome journey to watch them grow up and be a part of their hearts. And from what I hear, it only gets better as they grow older. I’ve been told the relationships really start to depend on each other as people reach the same stages in life. I’m really looking forward to that.

Have you ever had a burning desire that just seems to overwhelm your every thought? I’ve been in the midst of that very thing for quite some time now. Sometimes the unmet longing feels like the worst thing that could happen; it makes my entire life seem disappointing and incomplete. I’ve had the urge to pursue this dream myself, in complete disregard of the timing of God’s will, but I know I’ll only end up truly disappointed, even if I were to get what I think I want. “There are two ways to get enough: One is to accumulate more and more; the other is to desire less.” While I can constantly amass additional things, relationships, and successes, there is always room for wanting even more. The cycle is endless. But if I could only learn to desire less, the likelihood of living a fulfilling life would increase. So I guess the question becomes how do I crave less? Scripture says by going back to the one desire present in every human heart: to know God. Deep down, this innate longing I have is actually a desire for more of the Lord. I feel dissatisfed with life now because I don’t have enough of Him. Even in times where it seems I have attained everything in the material world that I’ve ever wanted–there are still periods of yearning, sadness, and emptiness. The origin of such discontent and disappointment is a raging hunger for what I can’t see and do not fully know—God. The difficult part is that I can never fully know and understand God; there will always be more to uncover about Him. But He promises to reveal more about His ways the more I fellowship with Him. Amazingly, His word reminds me that as I begin to pursue that desire for God, He’ll fulfill the other desires He’s given me.