Understanding trust gives us words to say, ‘here’s my struggle and why I can’t rely on you’. Trust is a huge word with tons of weight around it.
There are common, quiet thoughts in our mind about trust that often go unspoken because we’re not really sure on how to sort through the vowels and verbs to make any sense of it. Researcher Brene Brown has a gift with dissecting and then organizing human connection. (Her bestsellers are worth buying; you’ll want to highlight, dog ear and pull these pages from the shelf to share.) Recently, she spliced open the anatomy of trust. Here are a few notes I’ve taken on the way we trust.
Trust is built in small, seemingly insignificant moments. It’s built when we ask for help and someone is there to lend a hand. Anytime we’re scared, there’s an opportunity for someone to build trust with us.
These same moments available for trust building are also available for betrayal. When we choose *not* to connect when the opportunity is there, this silent trust turns into betrayal.
Dr. Brown says that trust is really ‘braving’ connection with people.
B.R.A.V.I.N.G.
Here’s how she breaks down the acronym.
Boundaries: Trust is built when you are clear about your boundaries and you hold to them. I must also be clear about my own and expect you to respect them.
Reliability: Trust is built when you do what you say you are going to do. And not just once. We need to do what we say we are going to do over and over and over again. That’s what builds trust.
We also have to be clear on our limitations so we don’t take on so much that we come up short and can’t deliver on our commitments. Acceptance of these limitations from you and me is vital to trust.
Accountability: Trust is built when you make a mistake and are able to own it, apologize for it and make amends. When I make a mistake, trust is built when I am able to own it, apologize for it and make amends for it.
Vault: Trust is built when what I share with you, you hold in confidence. And what you share with me, I hold in confidence. We both need to see that confidentiality with others is acknowledged in our conversations with each other.
You cannot share things that are not yours to share as a way to hot-wire connection with a friend. Your closeness cannot be built on talking bad about other people. Common enemy intimacy is built on hating the same people. That’s counterfeit trust. That’s not real.
Integrity: Act from a place of integrity and encourage me to do the same thing. This builds trust. Choosing courage over comfort. What’s right over what’s fun, fast or easy. Practicing your values, and not just professing them.
Non-judgment: Trust is built when I can fall apart and struggle and ask for help without being judged by you. And conversely, you can fall apart and struggle and ask for help without being judged by me.
We are generally better at helping people than asking for help. Yet, if you can’t ask for help and I cannot ask, then this is not a trusting relationship. There’s a temptation to assign value to your help. You may determine your worth based on how you’re helping someone. Or perhaps you think less of yourself if you need the help. However, if you think less of yourself for needing help, then when you offer to help someone else, you will think less of them too. We cannot get value from being a helper in a relationship. This is not your worth.
Generosity: It’s only a trusting relationship if you can assume the most generous positive thoughts about what my intentions and behaviors are doing and what my words are saying, and then check in with me. So if I screw up and say something or forget something, you will make a generous, positive assumption. As opposed to guarding your heart from me or ignoring my calls or efforts.
Here’s the catch to trust. We cannot trust others if we don’t first trust ourselves.
One of the biggest casualties with heartbreak, disappointment and failure is is not the loss of trust with other people but the loss of self-trust.
In my own life (Trisha speaking here), Brown’s definitions have breathed new life into my ‘brave’. Past breakups and frustrations have kept my decisions locked in a cage of self reflection and doubt that I could trust myself anymore to make better choices.
If braving relationships with other people is braving connection, then braving self-trust is braving self-love and self-respect.
If you can’t count on yourself, you can’t ask other people to give you what you don’t have. You have to start with self-trust.
Maya Angelou puts it this way, ‘I do not trust people who don’t love themselves and yet tell me ‘I love you’. There’s an African proverb that says, ‘Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt’.
If you struggle with trust, examine first your own self-trust and how you treat yourself. You can’t ask people to give to you what you don’t believe you’re worthy of receiving. You will know you are worthy of receiving trust when you trust yourself above everyone else.
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